Full Circle

As a child of a voice hearer, growing up around someone who could perceive things that others couldn’t was completely normal, in fact, often revered. It was part of daily life, and I didn’t really know anything different until I was a teenager and became more conscious and aware of the beliefs and values of others.  Situated within a faith context, in my family, such experience was used to guide self and others and as part of a spirituality and faith building journey where techniques were used to develop such experiences. The only specific issue they seemed to create was with how other people viewed them. I learnt who you could talk to about such experiences and when it wasn’t as appropriate to share.  I never really experienced anything like my mum did and eventually assumed I wasn’t ‘gifted’ in such a way.

Soon after starting university, I had one experience of hearing a voice. It was so loud it woke me up from sleep and I sat bolt upright in bed. The voice I heard was a man’s voice and it sounded like thunder in the room. It shouted ‘Wake Up’. The next day I went straight to the doctors and had a consultation and soon after a psych assessment. It was suggested that what had happened was due to stress and that as I had been drinking wine that evening that it was likely to have been a bad dream. The years went by and life happened. I struggled at times with anxiety and depression and sought various therapies for this over the course of around 22 years.

It wasn’t until the covid pandemic, whilst shielding and caring for my mum that I began to hear voices myself.  These didn’t seem to be the same kind of experience that my parent had had, nor like the voice I had heard all those years ago. The more I researched, it seemed my hearing voices experience was unique to me.  I began medication to support anxiety/depression and took part in Recovery College courses, made lifestyle changes, read about the Hearing Voices Network and attended the Hearing Voices Cambridgeshire Online Support group. Whilst I still have not found others who had identical experiences to me, it was such a huge relief to find people that heard and experienced things that other people didn’t. They understood that when things are at their worst, how overwhelming and fatiguing it can be at times.  There are many things in our experiences that group members do share and the listening, support and coping strategies I have received have been absolutely invaluable to me.

I have continued to live with my voices on a daily basis ever since and also experienced ‘visions’ of seeing and hearing my mum soon after she had passed away.

As for explaining them? I’ve read about different theories and diagnosis. Some things that have made sense or been helpful to me are: The first, to stop and stand back and look at your experience over your life course, including stressful life or traumatic events, what was happening for you and when, and the support you had around this time (requesting a copy of my entire medical history from my GP also helped with this).

To date I still don’t have a differential diagnosis for my experiences. My hearing voices diagnosis is ‘medically unexplained events’ and that my experiences have not been caused by psychosis. I once spoke to a mental health nurse who told me that she felt that the role of a nurse was to hold hope for people that ‘recovery’ is possible. After all this time, I am a little sceptical that I will ever stop hearing the voices, but I hope they will become less disruptive. My life is changing and getting better so I suppose that is a recovery of sorts.

As to what helps me cope? I would say, as best as you can, work on your general health and wellbeing – healthy and regular food, drink water daily, regular and quality sleep/routine, regular fairly strenuous exercise, getting outside daily and connecting with others frequently. Trying to build long lasting and quality personal relationships/support and medication if it’s part of your care plan. Journalling (both how you are feeling and what you are grateful for every day) and meditation/prayer have long been recommended as a helpful daily tool (I am still working on this!) and to have some goals for the future. Also including ‘self-care’ or sometimes I call them ‘nesting’ activities, basically taking time for yourself or to work on the space that you live in to make them as clean and as comfortable or relaxing as possible. Doing these things have not stopped me hearing voices but they can influence the frequency and type of things I hear. Also, if it’s possible, get a dog. Best. Thing. Ever!

 I guess you could say, as I have grown older, that I have come full circle.  I’m at the point now where I realise that I could sit in my grief forever, but that would keep me stuck. I could continue to analyze my past until it left me emotionally paralysed and even if I was given a ‘diagnosis’ how would that help me move forward?  

Being part of the Hearing Voices Cambridgeshire has shown me that I am not unique in hearing voices and as such, perhaps, I have returned to the faith perspective that I first came from.

Whilst they can be a marker of my wellbeing, my own internal experiences of the voices matter less to me now, and I am now more focussed on looking outward and learning to live well with them. To live hopefully, compassionately and with purpose, and where I can, helping others to do so too.